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I remember what I was doing on December 31st, 2015. I spent the day having fun, but not the loud kind of fun my little brother has. Quietly. We watched a movie and I felt like even though I grew up a lot that year, I still had to mature a lot more. I thought that in order to become an adult, in a way, I had to suppress all negative thought. Or maybe just to be a good person, I had to become either positive or neutral. I didn’t want to cause problems or situations that would require additional attention. Especially after the latter half of 2015: I was entirely sure that I just had to move on and focus on my homework. It didn’t matter if I had friends or not.
Anyway, as the minute hand stuttered closer to 12, I remember whispering my resolutions to dead silence. I don’t know if they remember what I said, but it was probably along the lines of ‘just because something happened it doesn’t mean anything, it could just be a passing event’, which was the opposite of what I actually felt (not progressive). So, cognitive dissonance. Reaction formation?
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Onto the deconstruction by month (aided by my many screencaps, although technically my diary would be more of use but it’s also farther away from me):
JAN: …continuation of mope from 2015, aka No I Did Not In Fact Get Over It, although I enjoyed staying late after school eating snacks bought with other people’s money. And Snapple on the 5pm-ish bus home!
FEB: Mostly bad memories, but also a good one: volunteering for a CNY event downtown. The rest of the month was insignificant. Some metaphor revolving around stalemates and games. Wow, I was so creative.
MAR: World War I. Oh, and also more arguments. The first half of 2016 basically was an extension of 2015 in terms of complete and utter angst and mope. Sounds about as fun as trench warfare.
APR: No comment, but hey, at least the weather got warmer! My brother turns 5, we go to Victoria, I continue being rejected and dejected and whatever other words there are to describe pathetic sadness. VCT, and Cheer Up.
MAY: Wherein we realize 2016 is not a roller-coaster, but instead just some contraption where one is dropped slowly but steadily into a volcano. Or hell, whichever’s worse.
JUN: I think things start becoming normal (I mean, I don’t know what normal is, but that’s probably the closest we ever got to a normal) around now. I turn 16! Cool. Also bought school supplies. Also, provincials are sad.
JUL: ALL I DID WAS GO TO SUMMER SCHOOL AND DO MATH AND WATCH TV SHOWS it was terribly boring and the third floor is extremely humid and disgusting in late July. Starts fanning myself with 100q packets of math.
AUG: By now we are not only submerged in lava, we realize the hole we’ve fallen into is caving in, and magma flows slowly into the pit. (…) JK I had fun (playing with fire. hahahhhahahha). I mean I don’t usually make smart choices, so.
SEP: School starts. No further comment necessary. Oh, right, I was also very mopey.
OCT: Actual bad things start happening, and then it all goes downhill, except we’re in a volcano, so I guess it’s an earthquake. Maybe it’s erupted.
NOV: Raining, more bad-awkward things, I start giving up (lol oxymoron), I actually can’t differentiate between the different kinds of bad from Oct-Nov.
DEC: Snow from the 4th on. It was snowing today, too. It was fun… for the first week. Then it became a Nuisance. At this point in time I have completely given up on trying or reforming or growing up. I guess it wasn’t too bad of a month. That’s pretty good.
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So maybe next year I’ll go back to trying to not forcefully become something I’m not (or at least not yet), and maybe invest in A) some healthy coping strategies, B) some motivation, and C) more useful purchases (for example, not spending $48 on manga/magazines, and instead maybe buying clothes or something one can actually use). Also, not be so… submissive. Tolerant? That thing where you would rather go along with the other person because it’s easier. AKA take initiative! Except exhibit some more self-control, especially regarding chocolate/candy. I’m not as impulsive/irresponsible as it may seem. Most things I’ve thought over before. 🙂
I don’t think over-analyzing and reflecting too often is actually that fun or productive, so I’ll end this year here. I’m not very optimistic either, so I guess… just work hard and listen to music. Good stuff. Tomorrow’s going to be the same as today, anyway, regarding weather. So:
Until then!
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