some other other things

[bg music: 愛してるのに、愛せない]

I find it funny that the song fits my mood. Eerily accurate. Okay, maybe it’s not as much of a coincidence as I’m playing it up to be, but really. It does fit.

So… what have I been up to? Every time I ask this, I think for a long time, and I end up knowing less than I did to begin with. Which doesn’t really make sense considering I am myself, and so I should know what I’m doing. But I don’t, not really. I guess I could say that I’ve been going to school. That’s not a lie, but that’s just not everything.

I’ve been drawing, occasionally, and writing, but barely; sleeping, hardly, and dreaming, mostly. Truthfully, I’m a little bit tired of being in my own head so often. It’s the same old route every minute, every night, and honestly, it’s getting more than a little bit tiring. I suppose changing my mindframe would solve it—but as with everything, easier said than done.

Dreaming, right? What could I possibly dream of? I’m… not even sure anymore. I realize that it’s getting harder and harder to talk, recently, but harder and harder still is it to find someone who will actually listen. It’s hard to find someone to talk to in person. Which is most important, and it’s supposedly easier and I wish I could.

But what are the chances, and how long am I willing to continue dreaming?

[bg music: 굿 바이 바이]

That sounds very flowery and deep. But deep-end deep, you know? Jumping off the deep end. Or something. I’m not brave enough to think so far, or so explicitly, but I do think. It’s not exactly the most productive activity I could be doing, but it’s much easier than anything I should be doing.

Over the summer I did dumb things. That’s all I can describe it as, anyway. The way my sister remembers it is a bit different from how I did. Of me, anyway. I left a bad impression on myself. I think something changed.

Internally.

Again.

[bg music:롤러코스터]

A day later: I’m thinking about how useless existences are. Which is not to say that ‘people are meaningless specks of dust’ or whatever, but the fact that I, an entire person with thoughts and habits and ideas, could be your closest friend for over a year but then, in a few months, go back to being a stranger. If I compare and replicate certain scenes from these years it really does look pathetic.

But there’s nothing I want, nothing I can do, and nothing to prove anymore. So why do I keep whining uselessly? It’s to pass time, and time is indeed passing but none of my stupid nagging thoughts are. So what’s the point? What’s your point?

I’m tired but I don’t want to sleep, either.

What do I even have left to say? Is this just another way of craving attention? Why have I reached this standstill? Wasn’t I so much better before?

So now, when I say that I wish I had friends, I mean plural, I mean close ones, I mean people who will care no matter the circumstance within common reason. People with no… messed up impressions or prejudice or bias or something left over from previous friendships with other people.

And in a way, I’m blaming people. But that’s not my intention, no, it was never my intention. Although my moods and whatnot can be turbulent at times, I have fairly good intentions for the most part. Except for when I’m pretending to hate someone because it’s so much easier to do so than to admit that you like anyone. Well, at this stage, of course.

This has been your routinely pathetic personal reflection post by Grace Yin, hope you enjoyed and see you next time!

Until then.