nothing else

I’m putting off doing things that I should be doing because I’m scared. Apprehensive of what’s going to happen next. And then my heart sinks and I feel gross and sick and lonely and stupid.

And then people tell me I’m growing up but I don’t want to and I don’t know how and why. Then they also say I’m still little and must enjoy when I’m little yet grow up at the same time and I just don’t know how. Don’t say that no one starts out knowing how to do anything, and that once they’re thrust out into an unknown world they’ll learn how to navigate – because I never did and I will probably never know how. Because I’m scared and I’m the only one scared because everyone else was taught right and learns right.

Because I am an impudent person with a bad attitude and too much personality – oh wait, not personality, sass and idiocy (if I transliterate) – and I need to grow up and listen.

Dare they say I think too much? I spend most of my waking time do nothing, and I spend my sleeping time awake. I read until my brain is confused and words slur together. I read until my mind is full of stories and things that I collect but never write down because it is 2 in the morning and I am alone.

This is not to say that I am truly alone or that I am depressed and I need air, this is to say that I am very close/not close and I need a wake-up call. But since you don’t know how to give one, do you think I’ll keep going in a straight line to nowhere?

My hair is getting longer, but it’s still shorter than my dignity. I plan not to lose my dignity, not even a little bit of it – it’s the only reason why I can lift my head higher. My self-esteem is currently unheard of and pretending to be better than anyone else is merely a hobby. Another part of upholding my dignity (where did I get it from, anyways?) – but I don’t look very dignified or graceful because things vary and I am a variable.