谷雨。
I am a day late.
Anyway, I’ve absolutely wasted away in the past 2 weeks. I didn’t reflect nor conclude, nor did I do much packing (but I cleaned! I’ll give myself that) or organizing. I drew a lot of garbage (aka things that do not help me in the Long Run of life but helped me stay sane because I am at least doing something, even if that something is self-gratifying) and sent them to one friend plus my sister and forced them (in a pathetic manner) to analyze them. What else did I do. I went to Starbucks like 4 times? My sister’s coming here later, which is great because now I can be neurotic with an audience that is forced to put up with me (I think she’s a willing participant though, considering she’s flying here LOL).
Also I go through cycles of loving everyone and being content with the friends I have and then feeling insignificant and hermit-like. Maybe it’s the part of me that’s feeling bad about leaving Toronto. But I mean… assuming Life is Long, who knows where I’ll go afterwards. I’ll probably be back eventually. Yes, nothing will be the same in that specific way or whatever but to be honest. I hate school. I hate being graded. It’s stupid and pointless to base all of my self-worth on a number given by one person after looking at me “academically” for 4 months. Am I comparing myself to my peers? Am I comparing myself to an imaginary ultimate set of standards that exists in my prof’s minds? To the undergraduate grading scale? I’m not measuring up properly in any of those scenarios… which is to be expected! I remember a past friend used to put all sorts of hats on me: a nonconformist, a lazy person, someone without natural talent (that’s a bit contradictory, now that I’m looking at it), someone who needs (her) help all the time, etc. She would’ve used at least one of those identifiers to explain and forcibly rationalize everything, from the arbitrary numbers to my dissatisfaction.
Hmm. This is very stream of consciousness. That’s something I used to do more often. At some point in recent years I tried to be more precise with my language, but I’m too tired to do that. If I kept that up, at some point I was going to stop writing altogether. Which of course is an exaggeration, but I would’ve been hesitant to write. Oh, you know what’s funny? In the fall semester I wrote a lot (like, a Lot), and so in the winter semester I drew a lot (you know, the thesis project) to avoid writing. Right now I’m still drawing, but there was a good week where I did nothing but feel miserable (probably. I forgot what I did last week).
According to my phone photos, in the last 2 weeks I went to the school library to get books and accompany my friend, and then I had hot dog lunch the week after with my thesis committee pals, and then I hibernated to finish some assignments, and this past Monday I went to the art gallery to catch the last day of the Robert Houle exhibit. It made me sad. I took some photos with the Powershot, but… I don’t know. Maybe I’ll put up all my photos on Flickr or something later (when I go home).
I almost forgot! I made a video for March as well:
Anyway, right now I’m going to try to hang on to the threads of my sanity in the final weekish until I can go home. I want to go home… so badly… I need Real Food Real Sleep Real Human Companionship and to Squish My Brother. I’m truly starting to lose it…! Yes. Also, I am currently waiting for my laundry to finish up in the dryer. After that, I will probably play video games and then pick up my sister. That’s all for now.
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