fragility

夏至。

Here’s a clip from last Wednesday. The trip home was smooth, and the flight was pretty comfortable. It’s partly because the middle seat was left empty, so the person in my aisle and I both had a suitable amount of space. They offered a lot of water, which was also appreciated. I am a very dehydrated person. As usual, I was given a window seat. Since my flight was in the afternoon, I wasn’t as sleep deprived as I usually am, so I looked out the window during take-off and during landing. There were a lot more clouds in BC, and watching the plane enter and then exit the massive fluffy white clouds was still as mystifying as it seemed when I was a child. I wanted to touch them, maybe eat them. They look like a nice snack (though realistically I know it’s just.. water… very cold water…). My entire family came to pick me up again, which I suspected would happen haha. Love that, though.

I’m still adjusting to the time difference, as well as my own absolutely horrendous sleep schedule. During summer classes, I slept at 6AM and woke up at 12-1PM, which would be 3AM to 9AM here. It’s a disaster and it doesn’t make sense but at this point I have decided I’m just going to sleep when I’m tired, eat when I’m hungry, and do whatever I want whenever I want… which is what I do all the time. There will eventually be a time where I no longer feel guilt while simply existing. Is it not enough to simply exist?

What else… I managed to get through that summer course. It was okay, I think. I haven’t received my marks for the final two assignments yet, but hopefully they’re alright. I cleaned the little room I rent and reorganized my stuff since I don’t know when I’ll be back, then packed quickly, then flew home. I guess I should give a brief family status update, since there’s been some changes (as always): my brother is a Substantial Child (he’s tall and very squishy and also has an Ego that rivals mine), my sister is a Big Kid (in some ways, but also not in other ways. but I’m not concerned or worried; everything will work out and settle with time and practice), my parents are Not Old (but should exercise), and there is a little corner of the living room dedicated to my paternal grandpa. I’m actually sitting there right now. I put the letter I wrote under the picture.

It’s also going to be unreasonably hot (30+ degrees Celsius) this week. We don’t have AC here, but as long as I keep movement to a minimum, I’ll be okay. My siblings still have school this week and part of next, and then it will be my sister’s high school graduation, and finally my birthday. Then my other summer class starts early July. I’m too lethargic these days to ask how my old high school friends are doing. We were never too close, but did have some fun together before so I think it wouldn’t be bad to ask to hang out… but I’m putting it off. Fear of rejection, of being left out, of nostalgia, of strangeness in familarity, of the glaring reality that nothing can ever be the same (but do we want it to be?), and of the heat. I honestly do not do well in extreme heat (fondly remembers the time two summers ago when I managed to get heatstroke and also catch a cold during typhoon season). I’m physically quite weak.

Not much else to say today. I won’t be too terribly busy in the coming weeks, but I won’t be bored either. I reread my summer solstice post from last year and I sounded kind of sad. I guess I always do, to be honest. It’s a bit sad to think that I spent the age of 20 cooped up at home/in my room, but on the flip-side, I was a lot more free. I spent most of my adolescent years repressing my feelings and being upset, reduced to blaming myself and isolating myself from everyone. Despite the stress of online university courses, paying for tuition, rent, groceries, and a lot of small annoying things that come with living alone, I had more fun. I made more friends, bought some toys for myself, drew a lot, wrote… a bit, and thought about the future briefly. It wasn’t bad. Regardless, I think I’m just having more fun the older I get. The neurotic child I was is back, but with more autonomy and the power of the internet!

I’ll sign off for now. I might write something else later this month, but if not, then I’ll be back in July. Until then.