brain foreclosure

冬至。

I’m still feeling varied degrees of dissatisfaction with my work and the school I go to in general. People keep telling me that I’ll eventually find my place with people that think like me and are interested in similar things, but I sincerely doubt it. I’ve only come marginally close to people who perceive things in a way that matches mine… but again, emphasis on the marginally. It’s almost tangential. I think it’s the most crucial thing though, that separates us: others do work/make Art because it makes them happy, or gives them a sense of accomplishment. That dopamine rush. I make things to temporarily empty my brain and stop feeling things for a moment. It’s a relief when it’s out, but here’s the thing—the absence of pain does not automatically mean happiness.

I finished my schoolwork for this semester. There’s only one left before graduation, which is spooky to think about. If you were to ask me how I feel about it, I could fire off any number of single-word responses. In reality, I don’t have any real feelings about it. More relief? That’s only temporary.

Also! As is maybe a common theme every winter break, I am feeling Not Great and I am having trouble sleeping. Big surprise, lots of fun, and I see the sun for about an hour everyday before I fall asleep. Truly amazing.

So! In the new year, I’ll probably continue these posts. Maybe I’ll use them as an excuse to write about other things, since I end up just giving a rather sad (read: pathetic) update about my student life alone in a big city (that’s a joke). Not much else to say now. It’s been kind of cold recently, but not too bad yet. Everything’s like… mostly okay. I’m just tired.