清明

Qing Ming Festival/Tomb Sweeping Day.

Yesterday, I went for a walk outside with my siblings. Although this is decidedly not the best course of action considering the state of the world, the suburbs are relatively safe and spacious; we only were in contact with each other and our cameras. Since it’s spring, we absorbed the sunlight while loudly and perhaps rambunctiously snapping pictures of the cherry blossoms and other flowering plants, as well as some of dogs that barked at us.

I’ve been at home for a little over a week now, and (at least for me) I’ve fallen back into the same old routine as always. We’ve also had to tackle homeschooling with my little brother, which is a bit of a pain. Partly because he’s a bit ahead of his classmates, and partly because he is lazy and only wants to play games… of all kinds… with me… and I still have my own stuff to do. So it’s difficult, but we’ve got no choice but to get used to it. Another side effect of being at home is that I dream of high school. It makes sense, of course, but it’s kind of weird.

Anyway, I’ll take this time to remember that I went to visit the graves of my great-grandparents on my dad’s side last summer in Taipei. I did my best to be respectful and appropriate, but as always, my innermost feelings were jumbled. I found myself wondering if I’d ever have a more average reaction to death or tragedy. Then, as usual, I decide that things like this take time and experience, which can only come naturally: so why worry? There’s no way to prepare for the unknown. The best I can do is be honest with myself.

Recently I’ve also been thinking about how to be independent enough, while also being a part of a family unit. How can I maintain the identity of self that I’ve built while also being the child I’ve always been? Small issues like that are what I’m fumbling with. Sometimes I find myself unwilling to argue a point with my family that I would’ve previously been overeager to do. Similar to something I’ve thought about previously: where am I truly from? Is there one place I can tie my identity to? Some people choose a few places to define their identities, but even that’s not sufficient. I suppose that’s why I like the idea of a wanderer, or an amorphous blob that migrates with the seasons. Well, again, none of this really matters. It’s a fun little shower thinking exercise, I guess.

Alright, that’s about it for now. I’m going to gain a lot of weight at home, which is going to be great. Preparation for next winter. My little brother wants to go out and play now, so I’ll end here.