小暑

Minor heat.

We’ve reached the halfway point (and a bit more) of this year. What an amazing thing, to have completed half a revolution amidst all this chaos. It was my birthday last week. I barely remember what I did, but honestly, that’s good. That means not much happened. At this point, if nothing happens, that’s a plus. Someone (who I am not friends with) said that it’s a quarter of my life. I wasn’t quite sure what that meant… did he imply that I’ll make it to 80? I somehow doubt that I’ll do so purposefully. I mean, getting to 20 was a fluke. I didn’t really plan for it. It’s a welcome surprise, I think.

I don’t think I’ve much to say this time either, so have a list of Things:

1. Even if you miss something, it doesn’t mean you still want that something. Everything is different now, so things that worked before won’t necessarily prosper in today’s environment. But it’s okay to just recognize that, I guess.

2. You can’t hold on to everything you experience now. It’s just too much. Some things you can’t try too hard to capture and immortalize, because you’ll enjoy it much less. Sometimes it’s enough to just enjoy it as it happens. Once it’s over, it’s over. If you focus too hard on trying to remember it all, you might end up with nothing in your memories.

3. One of the harder things to do is to really know what you want right now. Sure, I say I want to play games and eat snacks, but is that going to make me less lonely? and then: what kind of connection do I really want right now? Is it companionship, or something else? Is my inability to trust people harming my friendships, making it more difficult to find that kind of camaraderie? Is what I’m doing now able to replace what I really want? Not in the long run, but that’s a problem for a later me to figure out.

4. Everything goes forward.

… there was originally a 5th thought, but it was kind of stupid, so I deleted it. It was like, intro psych levels of dumb. Anyway, I’m gonna eat snacks and draw. It’s summertime and I am 20 years old and I do what I want.